


Some Sort of Eldritch Horror

by rickrollerblades



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-04
Updated: 2017-07-04
Packaged: 2018-11-23 10:23:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11400627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rickrollerblades/pseuds/rickrollerblades
Summary: He remembers, decades back that don't feel like any more than a handful of years to him, the pulse of energy that the Tesseract had let out when Schmidt had grabbed it, and the hole it had ripped in the air between them, the swirls of colour that were on the other side, glimmering like nothing he had ever seen before. He realized later on that this was a nebula, nothing beyond human knowledge, but he still dreamed about it, the explosions of light, and how he had witnessed a power that even, to this day, he could not comprehend.





	Some Sort of Eldritch Horror

**Author's Note:**

> i woke up in a cold sweat and pounded this out in 3 hours and i'm not even in this fandom anymore?? anyway,

Waking up in an infirmary in New York, Peggy young and by his side, was not something he had expected.  _ You were found washed up on on the coast of Newfoundland, _ they said,  _ you’re concussed, but lucky to be alive, _ they said. Peggy is ecstatic to see him awake, crying with relief as she nearly crushes him in a hug, but even in her embrace, he feels numb.

He follows the doctor's words in a daze, with confusion written on his face. Once, absently, he runs a hand through his hair, and he jolts in his seat when he realizes that it’s longer than it should be; back in its old military cut. He must look troubled, because the doctor pauses and Peggy’s smile drops into a concerned frown, and he can barely muster up a smile in apology. He makes sure to sit on his hands after that, and tries to keep the panic off his face.

\--

Steve is hesitant to talk about his memories of the 21st century with anyone, but despite this, he makes the mistake of bringing it up with Peggy the day after he wakes up. He keeps it vague, telling her about waking up somewhere futuristic, and feeling like he had spent years there, but despite his brevity, he feels Peggy still beside him as he talks.

_ Do you think that was the Tesseract, _ she asks,  _ messing with your head? _ He goes cold as soon as the words leave her mouth; the idea that none of it was real, that  _ Natasha _ wasn’t real, cutting straight through him. Steve is not convinced, though. It felt too real, was too detailed, and it wore him down too much, jading him by years in what was only days, according to everyone around him.  _ According, _ he thought,  _ to reality. _

\--

(Peggy looks at him a little differently after this talk. Before she must've assumed he was just struggling with the loss of Bucky, but now that she knows it’s something else, something… other, she still cares, but she looks almost scared. Of him or for him, he can’t tell.)

\--

The first day back in his old apartment, he quickly sketches everyone's face in a desperate effort to hold on to all of them, this future that he might not have even been a part of, a future that he was violently yanked away from and already misses dearly.   
  
He draws the determined set to Fury's brow, Clint's mess of hair, Sam’s warm smile. Wanda, Vision, Laura and the kids, Thor, even Stark, tense as they left things. Bucky's face is the hardest to draw, and Natasha...    
  
He thinks he'll miss her the most.

\--   
  
In a way, this is worse than waking up in the 21st century. He had lost all his friends then, but at least he had known it to be true, had people he could talk to about it who, while they wouldn’t understand exactly, wouldn’t tell him it was just a dream. That his friends were fake. That everything he had experienced hadn’t really happened. It was a truth he wasn’t ready to swallow yet, because it  _ hadn't _ just been a dream, he could feel it. Now, he is so much more aware of the microaggressions, the prejudices, that he had always had to brush off before because  _ that’s just how it is. _ He speaks differently, mimics some of Sam’s mannerisms without thought, and makes jokes and references that receive nothing more than looks of incomprehension from his peers. It’s baffling and alienating, but a small comfort, nonetheless.

Falling back into using the technology of the time is just as clumsy and frustrating of a process for him. He had grown so accustomed to having so much knowledge at his fingertips that he feels cut off now, and the daily paper that he’s now taken up the habit of buying is a poor substitute. He’s forgotten how to do some tasks too, fingers hovering over the rotary phone’s dial for a second too long, but Howard just chalks it up to the concussion that they both know he doesn’t have anymore, and life goes on.

\--

One particularly rainy night, he goes out to the edge of the city and, for a few minutes, just lets go. He releases the tenuous grip he’s had on his composure for the past few weeks and screams at the heavens, to Heimdall, or maybe even Thor himself, to help him, to take him home, but nothing comes of it, and he trudges his way back to his empty apartment, feeling thoroughly embarrassed and unhinged, soaked to the bone. 

As he descends the stairs back into the subway, he hears thunder in the distance.

\--

His co workers seem to notice the tiredness in his eyes now. Peggy especially, as she’s looked much more worried for him lately. He’s still going through the motions, though, and he’s getting his work done fast enough, so he doesn’t see the problem. Sure, he’s fooling no one, but he doesn’t care anymore, so why should they?

Peggy tries to be there for him though, and he appreciates it, but his heart’s just not in it anymore, and he suspects that Peggy knows. These days, he’s consumed with thoughts of Natasha, and with Peggy right there, real and in front of him, he feels all the guiltier for it. Still, despite the heaviness in his chest when he looks at Peggy and feels nothing, he can’t stay grounded in the moment. He keeps drifting off, thinking of how even before all this, he hadn’t seen Nat in months. How he never got to say goodbye as she held T’Challa back for him and Bucky. Never got to thank her, even. 

It’s funny, he thinks her and Peggy would’ve gotten along.

\--

They find the Tesseract months later, during Howard’s halfassed mission to recover his shield. “That thing costs more than you,” Howard had muttered with a smirk when Steve had asked about it. “I’m not giving it up that easily.” Steve had replied with a smile that hadn’t quite reached his eyes.

Steve knows, without being told, exactly when it arrives in town. It terrifies him, to think it’s within reach, that he  _ knows _ it’s in reach. He knows now that it never let go of its grasp on him, that it had just allowed him to drift away for the time being. Worst of all, it calls to him, pulling at his consciousness and occupying as much space in his mind as it can. It could take him back to that more-than-a-dream that was his reality for what felt like years, but all other evidence insists was only days.

He spends months trying not to think about the Tesseract in Howard’s lab, and months redrawing Natasha’s face with less and less detail as his photographic memory fails him on this one thing of all things. He stays strong, because those memories, those visions that the Tesseract had shown him (gifted him, used to torture him), were not his reality. He needed to be here, be  _ present _ , for Howard and Peggy and the Howling Commandos

And when he falters, it’s only for a moment, but that’s enough.

He’s walking down the hall in the lab with Howard and Peggy when they pass by a door and he  _ feels _ it, feels the Tesseract beckoning to him on the other side, and he’s inside the room before he can think to stop himself. He stands there for a moment, lingering in the blue glow emanating from the cube, which is sitting innocuously, indomitably, atop a stand designed by Howard himself. He doesn’t linger for long though, instead letting himself become overwhelmed by the Tesseract’s draw.

He doesn’t listen to Peggy and Howard behind him, and a second before he touches the cube, he sees that nebula again, and he smiles in relief right as his vision whites out, because he knows he’s going home.

**Author's Note:**

> i havent written anything in a while so i hope this was enjoyable! this was largely inspired by certain elements of the adventure zone (which u should totally check out btw), and yeah i took some liberties w what the tesseract is capable of, but i hope u liked it in any case! lemme know what u think :3


End file.
